It.....

Being in Togo for close to a year has taught me a lot about myself.  It has made me really rely on God every day because frankly there is no other way to make it here. It is definitely not by my own strength or “spirituality” that I can be here. The fact is being here is hard. I had been here before on short stents but something changes in your mind when all of a sudden you don’t have a fixed leave date. There ceases to be that “light at the end of the tunnel.” All of a sudden this is where you live. All of the cute things about a new culture wear off quickly when you live somewhere and suddenly the “cute” becomes frustrating.

But, here I am…..trying my best to do the best I can every day. I have experienced such highs and such lows here. I also continually show my sin to those around me. I know I fail daily. My sanctification process is very much ongoing and frankly it hurts and gets messy at times. The first time I came to Togo, I joked with the other missionaries here that being here was like being at adult summer camp. That has become a very true statement including all the good and bad that comes along with it.

In my last post, I wrote about a sweet baby boy that had become very close to me. Nicknamed Puddles by us, he had been in and out of the hospital for most of his 1-year life. He endured several painful and difficult surgeries and with each one he prevailed against all the odds. However, he continued to have trouble growing. After his last surgery, he lived in the hospital and went back and forth to my home as well for care. His mom would stay for a time and then return to her village to take care of her other kids.

He started gaining weight and things were looking better and better.

He would sit in his bassinet at the nurse’s station and just laugh and entertain the staff and the other patients. He was a joy and I loved him dearly.

Then over the course of 24 hours he decompensated and was gone. This precious little boy was gone, just like that. His death cut a wound in me so deeply that I still feel it today. Why did this happen? Why did he make it through all of those surgeries, start gaining weight, and then the Lord took him? What did I miss? I could play the why game even today and the pain is still there.

One of the other doctors and myself have been out to his village a few time to visit his Mom and Dad. We took her a few photos of him recently. Photos here are a very foreign idea. They are not something people have of each other much less of a child that has died. We had asked if she wanted some and she said yes. I think it was very difficult for her to see her baby boy but my prayer is that the pictures will eventually bring her happiness because she can better remember him and not sadness.

Their tribe is Gangam which is a very spiritually dark tribe here. However, with our visits to their village and talks of Jesus and our hope in Him, they seem more open to hearing and have asked to have the Jesus film shown in their village sometime soon! I will continue to go and visit them to let them know Jesus’s love for them despite their loss and sadness.

I came across this verse the other day and even in its simplicity, I found so much power.

“He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”  1 Thessalonians 5: 24

In my opinion, no truer words have ever been written or read. He, being the Lord, who calls you, his child, is faithful and will surely do it.

It here can mean so many things and for me it has taken on many meanings as of late.

It…..is sustaining grace to work day in and day out here when so often the diagnoses are vague and outlooks are grim.

It…...is wisdom to say “I don’t know” to a family or your colleagues but continue to try.

It…..is a strength to keep going and keep loving when death comes all too often

It…..is seeing a child, who a week ago looked like she would die, laughing and playing with a new stuffed animal.

It……is traveling to the village of a child that you loved to build relationships with his family and to tell them about Jesus and His love because your mind still cannot wrap itself around their son’s death.

It…..is looking at a schedule and knowing that there’s not enough providers for the work to be done and trusting God to sustain you or provide more people.

It…..is a better understanding of hard situations and difficult diseases like Lassa fever and how to best approach them as they impact the community you live and work in

It…..is crying with the mom of a child that just died and trying to give her some hope in Jesus in the midst of that impossible situation.

It……is waiting and waiting for the details to be worked out so a child can travel to the US for heart surgery and someone donates the exact amount of money needed for all of the airline tickets.

It…..is seeing a patient in clinic doing well after you and others fought for weeks in the hospital to keep her alive and being able to rejoice with her and her husband.

It…..is getting unexpected news from home and deciding to leave knowing that you are adding work to your colleagues.

It means a lot of things to me right now and I am sure in a month, in a year from now it will mean other things.

I don’t have any magic words to say. Whether in Mango, Togo or anywhere else, whatever the It is in your life right now know that He who called you to himself as his child is capable and able to do it.

Joy in the struggle....

I've been back in Mango since mid-December.  The days are windy and very dry but the nights are cool. The hospital is busy and the days are long here. So often I feel like I'm fighting death at every turn. Two very recent cases and unfortunately a recurring theme, whether it's an adult that came in with a creatinine of 36 (for all of my non-medical friends, normal is less than 1) that was caused by herbs she took after a traditional healer gave it to her or a child that has such severe malaria that it attacks his brain and he is comatose. The days are challenging to say the least.

So often the day to day is so exhausting and wearing that it hard to "see" the wins.

Meet a win, well, at least a win in progress.....

This little boy has been in and out of our hospital since he was born but has not left since before Christmas......when he came in around Christmas he was about 9 months old and weighed 2.75kg (6 pounds)! He was so malnourished that he has not left since then. We decided to start feeding him completely by NG tube at that time. Mom has started coming and going and when she leaves me and a few others take over the care of this sweet boy. Through all of this he has acquired several nicknames. We call him baby bird because that's really what he looked like when he arrived. 

His other common names are puddles and gremlin. Puddles because he he drools a lot, his NG tube tends to leak even if it's capped, and he  has quite a reflux/vomiting problem. Gremlin comes from the first night he stayed at my house....about 3am he was so crabby and a crazy man that he acquired the name gremlin ("be certain not to feed them after midnight")

This is him now.....

He's bigger than he has ever been but still cannot eat by mouth so everything still goes through his NG tube.  He is right at 5kg now!

In the past 3-4 weeks he has started to interact more and act more like an infant.

He now sits up by himself, plays with a rattle or toy, smiles and interacts and will roll from side to side some. He can't crawl or fully roll and he has no teeth yet but it's progress.

So in those times that I feel like death and dying is everywhere and I'm beat up and bruised, I'll go play with puddles for a while and it reminds me……..sometimes…….sometimes we get a win.

This little boy has a very long road ahead of him so please remember him, pray for him, pray for his family, pray for us as we try to find the best course and plan for him and as he continues his struggle to grow.

Please know how much I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Despite the struggles, it's evident all the time that God is at work in Mango.


If anyone out there would like to learn more about the Hospital of Hope ministry or how you can get involved, please let me know

Till next time.......

Storms of this life…..

The rainfalls here can be epic and I have always loved a good thunderstorm. There are some amazing ones here. It is rainy season right now so rain is not uncommon these days. It always brings some cooler weather which is nice. I am not one to walk around in the rain in the states but here there is just something about walking out into an African rainstorm. Think about the best beachside storm you have ever seen and multiply that by about 10. That is what these storms are like and they are fabulous!

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a huge Yacht Rock fan. It’s a local band from Atlanta that does covers of Hall and Oates songs among others. Well they do Africa from Toto and it never ceases to be awesome!. I have sang it loudly in many a venue J It has a little more significance in my mind these days. God bless the rains down in Africa…..

Physical storms here pop up all the time and they are mostly a welcomed occurrence. Even though my life is no exception, when storms pop up in my own life, I view them differently.

I have been here this time since early July so almost 2 months. It is easy here to throw yourself into the work and neglect other things. I have caught myself doing that some. Through this short 2 months, I have worked a lot, many more days a week then I work in the states. It is easy at times to just put my head down and work. However, I know that is not good for me. I know I need community, family, physical exercise, and a growing relationship with Jesus. I admit I fail at balancing my life here on many levels at times.

I have had amazing friends visit since I have been here and I have received a couple of very timely packages as well. I am also keenly aware that time does not stand still while I am here. It keeps moving for everyone at home just as it continues to move for me. I think that is one of the toughest things I deal with here is that lives continue to move on at home. Internet is a struggle and communication suffers because of that and I wonder do family and friends think I don’t care or want to know just because my communication end is lacking so often? I am also keenly aware that so often out of sight means out of mind…….and  that is ok ….it really is….

I struggle how to better balance things here…..in a land, a community, a culture that I am trying to invest in but really don’t understand, surrounded by people speaking one of about 15 languages that I don’t have a clue how to understand. I feel so defeated a lot of the time here….my language skills are horrible, I don’t know what I am doing….was that culturally offensive?.....am I even taking advantage of my opportunities to share Jesus with anyone?……

So as I struggle to truly figure out how to “fit” in here, I find myself preparing mentally to leave. I leave for Switzerland on September 16^th for language school. It’s bittersweet to be honest. I am super excited to go to Switzerland of course but I am also pretty worried and anxious about language school. I need this to do my job here better and I stay so frustrated most of the time, secondary to my lack of French. However, the team here is always struggling with coverage for the hospital and me leaving for 3 months puts another hole in the schedule.

I think this song came out back when I was in college and it is one that still stops me in my tracks a lot of the time…..

Open up the skies of mercy….Send down your cleansing flood….Healing waters rise around us……Hear our cries Lord…. Let them rise…… Your kindness Lord, leads us to repentance, your favor Lord is our desire……Your beauty Lord, let’s us stand in silence….Your love….your love….is better than life……

I thank you Lord that your love is better than life and despite my inadequacies, dependence on myself and not you most of the time, that your mercies are still freely available for me……Even in the face of the many storms here physical and figurative, I am thankful that I have a savior that is always ready and willing to rise up around me with His mercy.

Please pray for medical and nursing coverage in the months to come as it is sparse. Please pray for me as I travel to Switzerland that my fears will be quelled and I can truly throw myself into learning French.