Joy in the struggle....

I've been back in Mango since mid-December.  The days are windy and very dry but the nights are cool. The hospital is busy and the days are long here. So often I feel like I'm fighting death at every turn. Two very recent cases and unfortunately a recurring theme, whether it's an adult that came in with a creatinine of 36 (for all of my non-medical friends, normal is less than 1) that was caused by herbs she took after a traditional healer gave it to her or a child that has such severe malaria that it attacks his brain and he is comatose. The days are challenging to say the least.

So often the day to day is so exhausting and wearing that it hard to "see" the wins.

Meet a win, well, at least a win in progress.....

This little boy has been in and out of our hospital since he was born but has not left since before Christmas......when he came in around Christmas he was about 9 months old and weighed 2.75kg (6 pounds)! He was so malnourished that he has not left since then. We decided to start feeding him completely by NG tube at that time. Mom has started coming and going and when she leaves me and a few others take over the care of this sweet boy. Through all of this he has acquired several nicknames. We call him baby bird because that's really what he looked like when he arrived. 

His other common names are puddles and gremlin. Puddles because he he drools a lot, his NG tube tends to leak even if it's capped, and he  has quite a reflux/vomiting problem. Gremlin comes from the first night he stayed at my house....about 3am he was so crabby and a crazy man that he acquired the name gremlin ("be certain not to feed them after midnight")

This is him now.....

He's bigger than he has ever been but still cannot eat by mouth so everything still goes through his NG tube.  He is right at 5kg now!

In the past 3-4 weeks he has started to interact more and act more like an infant.

He now sits up by himself, plays with a rattle or toy, smiles and interacts and will roll from side to side some. He can't crawl or fully roll and he has no teeth yet but it's progress.

So in those times that I feel like death and dying is everywhere and I'm beat up and bruised, I'll go play with puddles for a while and it reminds me……..sometimes…….sometimes we get a win.

This little boy has a very long road ahead of him so please remember him, pray for him, pray for his family, pray for us as we try to find the best course and plan for him and as he continues his struggle to grow.

Please know how much I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Despite the struggles, it's evident all the time that God is at work in Mango.


If anyone out there would like to learn more about the Hospital of Hope ministry or how you can get involved, please let me know

Till next time.......

Storms of this life…..

The rainfalls here can be epic and I have always loved a good thunderstorm. There are some amazing ones here. It is rainy season right now so rain is not uncommon these days. It always brings some cooler weather which is nice. I am not one to walk around in the rain in the states but here there is just something about walking out into an African rainstorm. Think about the best beachside storm you have ever seen and multiply that by about 10. That is what these storms are like and they are fabulous!

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a huge Yacht Rock fan. It’s a local band from Atlanta that does covers of Hall and Oates songs among others. Well they do Africa from Toto and it never ceases to be awesome!. I have sang it loudly in many a venue J It has a little more significance in my mind these days. God bless the rains down in Africa…..

Physical storms here pop up all the time and they are mostly a welcomed occurrence. Even though my life is no exception, when storms pop up in my own life, I view them differently.

I have been here this time since early July so almost 2 months. It is easy here to throw yourself into the work and neglect other things. I have caught myself doing that some. Through this short 2 months, I have worked a lot, many more days a week then I work in the states. It is easy at times to just put my head down and work. However, I know that is not good for me. I know I need community, family, physical exercise, and a growing relationship with Jesus. I admit I fail at balancing my life here on many levels at times.

I have had amazing friends visit since I have been here and I have received a couple of very timely packages as well. I am also keenly aware that time does not stand still while I am here. It keeps moving for everyone at home just as it continues to move for me. I think that is one of the toughest things I deal with here is that lives continue to move on at home. Internet is a struggle and communication suffers because of that and I wonder do family and friends think I don’t care or want to know just because my communication end is lacking so often? I am also keenly aware that so often out of sight means out of mind…….and  that is ok ….it really is….

I struggle how to better balance things here…..in a land, a community, a culture that I am trying to invest in but really don’t understand, surrounded by people speaking one of about 15 languages that I don’t have a clue how to understand. I feel so defeated a lot of the time here….my language skills are horrible, I don’t know what I am doing….was that culturally offensive?.....am I even taking advantage of my opportunities to share Jesus with anyone?……

So as I struggle to truly figure out how to “fit” in here, I find myself preparing mentally to leave. I leave for Switzerland on September 16^th for language school. It’s bittersweet to be honest. I am super excited to go to Switzerland of course but I am also pretty worried and anxious about language school. I need this to do my job here better and I stay so frustrated most of the time, secondary to my lack of French. However, the team here is always struggling with coverage for the hospital and me leaving for 3 months puts another hole in the schedule.

I think this song came out back when I was in college and it is one that still stops me in my tracks a lot of the time…..

Open up the skies of mercy….Send down your cleansing flood….Healing waters rise around us……Hear our cries Lord…. Let them rise…… Your kindness Lord, leads us to repentance, your favor Lord is our desire……Your beauty Lord, let’s us stand in silence….Your love….your love….is better than life……

I thank you Lord that your love is better than life and despite my inadequacies, dependence on myself and not you most of the time, that your mercies are still freely available for me……Even in the face of the many storms here physical and figurative, I am thankful that I have a savior that is always ready and willing to rise up around me with His mercy.

Please pray for medical and nursing coverage in the months to come as it is sparse. Please pray for me as I travel to Switzerland that my fears will be quelled and I can truly throw myself into learning French.

Boots on the ground……

I arrived in Togo in early July with a different mindset. I have been to Mango several times in the past year but this time was different. This time there was no veritable “light at the end of the tunnel.” I am not planning on going home for a year so I am really here this time.

It was such a whirlwind leading up to actually arriving in Togo that I guess I thought maybe when all was said and done it would be a relief. My house was empty….. I quit my job….. I had literally packed up my life into 3 suitcases and off I went.

To say I was exhausted and overwhelmed when I finally got on the plane to come would be an understatement and I knew when I arrived that I was going to dive right into work here as well. Dive in I did…..The day I arrived in Mango a preemie was born at 29 weeks. I started being on service in the hospital the next day and every day after that for the next two weeks either on days or nights and I took care of him every day. He did very well and seemed to be progressing well from a preemie standpoint. Then just over two weeks after he was born he took a bad turn and died……

Did I do something wrong? Had I missed something? I mean I am no NICU doctor so I just kept thinking that I had maybe missed something on this child. This precious gift that was given and then taken away after such a short time.  His dad was so attentive to him, which is rare here in Togo especially with preemies. The day the child took his bad turn the Dad had asked how he was doing and was sad that he had to go back to his village to work because he was so worried about him. I keep thinking about that Dad and what it must have been like to hear that no….. in fact…. his child that had been fine even that morning had now died……

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon here and death seems to lurk behind the door at all times ready to pounce. I feel very small and lots of times helpless as I fight death and lose on sometimes a daily basis.

As I remain here, in this setting, with these circumstances that face me daily I really cannot do anything but pray. I pray for the patients, I pray for healing, I pray for the staff and I pray that I can continue to show up.  I cry out to God knowing that I am so very weak and unable to heal but that He is supreme, truly the great physician, and that His ultimate plans will not be thwarted…….

The sky here is enormous and on a clear night the stars litter it like nothing I have ever seen before. It is at those times, staring up into all those stars, that I’m reminded of how big and powerful a God I serve and how amazing it is that He could use me, if only to play just a very small part in His plans here in Mango, Togo.

Isaiah 6:8……And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “whom shall I send and who will go for us?” Then I said, Here I am! Send me.”